It was announced in May that a remake of the 1986 cult sci-fi film Highlander was in the works with writers of the 2008 box-office smash Iron Manpenning the script.

Art Marcum and Matt Holloway are talking not just boring, plain and unremarkableremake, but that new Hollywood catchphrase: re-imaginingin hopes that inevitable sequels of this reboot become critically acclaimed, not widely panned.

Earlier in the week rumors circulated of the potential casting of Kevin McKidd (Rome, Dog Soliders and Journeyman) as the immortalScotsman Connor Macleod.

This new has dissapointed fans of the original film as it breaks with the tradition of casting against nationality. Christopher Lambert and Adrian Paul have expressed dismay that the production will not require dismemberment of the Scottish accent, a tradition they both proudly bear. Meanwhile Sean Connery has stated, “If the Spanish-Egyptian doesn’t have a Scottish accent, then what’s the bloody point?”

According to Dan O’Bannon, there are more casting rumours, “They’re looking to update and contemporize the pivotal role of bad guy The Kurgan with the surprise casting of Robbie Williams. His dulcet,eunuch-like voice and aging British pop-star look will really draw new fans to the series.” When questioned further Mr. O’Bannon said that he wrote Aliens, and has nothing to do with Highlander. We approached writer Matt Holloway for his take:

“We are looking at a new, darker beginning to the franchise. The only thing that needs to stay consistent is that MacLeod, an immortal Scotsman, will die if his head is cut off. With that in mind we are looking in a new direction for his nemesis, The Kurgan. The studio feels that we need to get more teenage girls into the cinema and Robbie is all over that like white on rice!”

Mr. Williams also gave a statement, “I think this will do wonders in opening new doors for my career. I have longed to try the acting trade and hopefully gain respect for those skills, just like Kyle Minogue. I am also excitedthat I will be able to contribute, if not do ALL of the soundtrack to the film, just like Queen did on the original. I know I can bring a musical number into Highlander just for The Kurgan. The producers would be mad not use my prodigious skills and talents.”

Robbie goes into the studio early in 2009 with the London Philharmonic Orchestra and Mormon Tabernacle Choir to record his version of the Highlander theme “Princes of the Universe” as well as the films’ grand musical finale, “New York, New York!”

The sword-wieldingimmortal Conner MacLeod will be beheading cinema-goers in Highlander: 2010.

Credits

• Written By: Bruce Moyle
• Contributers: David Quinn, Dion Brooks
• Artwork: David Quinn

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Brett Ratner (Rush Hour 1,2 & 3, X-Men: The Last Stand) has been tapped to lead the ambitious project to the silver screen and has told us some of his casting choices.

Vin Diesel has been given the blue paint job as Dr Manhattan with Courtney Cox as Silk Spectre 2. Keanu Reeves will be playing Rorschach and a new sidekick has been written into the script to be played by Jackie Chan called InkBlot. Other casting notes are Michael Richards (Seinfeld‘s Kramer) as the Comedian.

Brett went on record as saying “Well Zack (Snyder) has laid the foundations for my film, it’s a pity that I’ll need to rip it up to make something structurally sound and generally just amazing, like X-Men: The Last Stand.“.

Fox commented that they are not going to be using anything from the Warners production but are happy that Warners have advertised the Fox property very well and look forward to seeing Brett’s vision on the big screen next year.

We approached Warner Brothers for comment, but they gave us blank stares and a blanket cheque to shut up.

Writer’s Note: Thanks to Scott from LA and Dion for the Vin Diesel

Credits

• Written By: Bruce Moyle
• Contributers: David Quinn, Dion Brooks
• Artwork: Dion Brooks

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• Email your story to info@coolshite.net

In an official statement, head bastard Tarantino, stated that Pegg was, “…more of a whiney British asshole than an actual bastard…”. Meanwhile the rest of the announced cast, Brad Pitt and Mike Myers, have been shown on numerous occasions to be complete and utter bastards. Many were initially confused by “comedian” Mike Myers casting in the project, but as Tarantino says, “Ask anyone who saw The Guru, that guy is a complete and utter bastard.”

By his own admission Tarantino is the perfect man to helm the project. “I mean – come on, Death Proof? Anyone who sat through the Director’s Cut of that shit-pile knows what kind of bastard I am.”, he said.

In related news Robert Downey Jr. has expressed an interest in the project, however cinematic auter Tarantino has flatly squashed it outright, “No way! That guy is beyond a bastard! I mean, come on! We’re not making Inglorious C*$ts here!”

Inglorious Bastards opens in the fall of 2009.

Meanwhile the recently announced sequel Inglorious Bastards 2: The C*$ts, is set for a Summer 2010 release, with Robert Downey Jr. taking the lead and cinematic visionary Uwe Boll stepping into the directors chair.

Credits

• Written By: David Quinn
• Contributers: Bruce Moyle, Dion Brooks
• Artwork: The Interwebz (ie Google Search)

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