New Moon – Movie Review
So because I’m the only one here stupid enough to actually go and watch this bloody movie, I bring a review-recap of New Moon, so that you will get the gist of this shit-fest and not have to worry about what you are missing. I am exceptionally appalled to know that my small town cinema is actually showing New Moon as a part of the International release. And yes, it was filled with girls and couples, men that had been beaten into submission and dragged to view this tripe.
You can probably guess that I would rather have stuck my head into a vat of boiling oil rather than watch this movie. You would be right. The more adverts and previews I saw for this movie, the less I wanted to see it. But I’m a retard that can’t help herself, and since I’ve already wasted so much of my life reading the books, I might as well keep going. I also thought it might be funny to laugh at the bad acting and stupid dialogue, because I’m weird like that. Just have to say that the preview for ‘Avatar’ held more awesome than New Moon in its entirety. There are not words for how much I hated it.
The movie begins with probably my favourite scene in the whole movie – because it’s not in the books. It’s a visualisation of Bella meeting her “grandmother” in the special meadow from the first movie. But here’s the twist – Grandma is actually Bella! Because wouldn’t you know it, its Bella’s 18th Birthday today and she is positively ancient. This is a recurring non-joke throughout the rest of the movie, since she’s now a ~WHOLE YEAR~ older than her precious Eddykins. Oh lord, how tragic that is.
She wakes up to her father bearing gifts, because Charlie is charming. How is it that the only characters that are actually likable in this movie are the ones that get all of five seconds screen time? Biilly Burke (Charlie) is so much better than Kristen Stewart in every way; I honestly wished the movie focused on him. Or any of the actors other than Robert Pattinson and Kristen really, since that pair have SUCH BAD CHEMISTRY. It fails so hard, and you have to witness it for the rest of the movie. KStewart has this stupid eye-blinking-while-breathing-heavily thing going on, which I believe is supposed to convey infatuation of some description? All it does is make her look constipated. And Rpattison has his face screwed up constantly, like he’s going to cry and then beat someone with a stick. I don’t understand why people think they are so great – clearly they have no friggin’ clue.
Jacob the Werewolf arrives onscreen to provide for the ridiculous jealousy that fuels Edward and Jacob’s hatred of each other. You know the deal – Bella is this ‘perfect woman’ and Jacob loves Bella while Bella loves Edward, who also loves Bella. Unfortunately for Bella though, Edward gets a wakeup call about dating a Human when his brother tries to eat her. He therefore decides that it is far too dangerous for Bella to be around him and his family, so they pack up and move on. Edward dumps Bella’s stupid arse in the single most painful scene I have ever witnessed. They should have muted that whole scene, because it would have been far less painful than having my insides swivel up and die at its utter and pathetic lameness. Bella is heartbroken and wanders the woods in depression and cries like a little bitch, but no one gives a fuck.
Bella spends months in a coma-like state of depression, where she cannot move or think or do anything whatsoever, because her precious Eddykins left her. Charlie knows that her depression is not normal or healthy and tells her she has to go back to her mother, but Bella now can’t possibly bear to leave Forks. It’s the place that reminds her of her precious Edward, after all!
In an attempt to fool her father into thinking she’s not suffering from Manic Depression, she takes Jessica to see a horror movie. We witness here a rather large change from the books – which I find highly amusing – they changed so much relating to the minor characters. Jessica is so much smarter in the movie than she is in the book (hell, she actually has thoughts!) and the others also actually HAVE personalities. Speaking of changes – a big change from the book is when Bella comes out of the theatre with Jessica and they see this gang of Biker douches, in the movie Bella walks up to them alone and tries to get herself killed. But in the book, Bella practically drags Jessica down a dark alleyway so that these guys (who tried to rape Bella last movie!) can give Bella an “adrenaline rush”. Yes, Bella tries to get her friend killed, but she doesn’t care about that because the adrenaline allows her to hallucinate and she can see her precious Eddykins,
This leads Bella to recruit her new BFF Jacob to rebuild two old motorbikes, so Bella can get this adrenaline rush. Bella basically uses Jacob for the rest of the movie – he rebuilds her bike, he teaches her how to ride it, he takes care of her and helps her forget about that douche that left her. I really felt sorry for Jacob in this movie, because he’s obviously in love with Bella, who is still hung up about her douche boyfriend that left her arse. Bella is just doing all of this so that she can put herself into danger and see Edward’s sparkling face. The first time she rides her bike, she falls off (hilariously, I might add. GOD, she is such a bad actress!) and smashes her head into a rock. Bella’s first response: I want to go again! Jacob, thankfully, is sensible and tells the bitch NO, but doesn’t quite understand why Bella is apologising for bleeding. Oh I see what you did there movie, contrasting Jacob and Edward like that.
Unfortunately this is where I begin to want to kill myself, because we enter the stage of the movie where Taylor Lautner (Jacob) begins to bare his chest for blatant fanservice. I’ll admit this was the only reason I thought I might enjoy the film, but sadly I was wrong. Everything about it is so cheesy that it melts my brain cells. It doesn’t help that KStewart is right there, keeping me cringing with her bad acting.
In any case, now that Bella is no longer a zombie, she can start to hang out with her friends again. So they go to the movies, where we have more guys falling in love with Bland Bella. Jacob is right there, all very confused about why they aren’t making out already, since Bella called him beautiful not ten minutes ago. I pity this boy so much, because if this were any other movie, Bella would be shagging up with Jacob and leaving Edward in the dust. But no, this is Twilight, in all its ridiculous unrealistic romance, and Bella continues to half-arse rejecting Jacob (his Love but not his Friendship). This only gives Jacob more hope, it seems, because he says that he ain’t giving up on Bella, he’ll wait for her forever. *GAGS*
This crap goes on for some time, with some werewolf-on-vampire-related action in the background, until Bella throws herself off a cliff in the hope of seeing her hallucination-boyfriend. Yes, this bitch is crazy enough to be cliff-diving, while the werewolves are actually trying to be useful and kill Victoria, a Vampire that wants to kill Bella. It’s all played out in a very interesting and well CGI-ed scene, and is probably the only part of the movie worth watching.
Unfortunately now Edward thinks that Bella died cliff diving, and wants to kill himself now because “he can’t live in a world without her”, despite the fact that he ran away from her at the start of the movie. So Bella has to run off to Italy and leave poor Jacob heartbroken, to stop Edward from killing himself. He is going to do this in a town that is of no real importance, except that it is where the Volturi live. The Volturi are some of the oldest vampires in the world, and basically in charge of enforcing the Vampire Laws. Namely (and plot-importantly) that any Vampire exposing themselves to humans is killed. Which is exactly what Edward plans to do.
Bella manages to stop him, but gets dragged to the Volturi base and is told she has to become a Vampire or risk death. They promise that Bella will be turned, and we are shown what is probably the most ridiculous ‘frolicking through the forest with Vampire Bella and Edward’ sequence I’ve ever seen in my life. Then they leave to go back to Forks, and all is well in Bella’s world. The movie finishes on what is probably the LAMEST line in the history of cinema – Edward asks Bella to marry her. Screen cuts to black, and you will want to kill yourself for wasting two hours of your life.
The only redeeming parts of this movie are Jacob and the increased CGI budget. But other than that, this movie is a waste of time and money, despite its improvements on Twilight. Shite Minus is the rating I give; only because there is no lower rating that exists.
Trailer
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