Sexy Battle Girls – Movie Review
SEXY BATTLE GIRLS (1986)
If, like me, you’ve always wondered what a team consisting of the director of Female Detective Molester Buster 2: Catch You With My Breasts and the writer of the anime Street Fighter II: V would produce, then look no further than this classic tale of schoolgirl revenge erotica, Sexy Battle Girls.
Sexy Battle Girls gets down to business quickly as our heroine of the hour (literally “ the movie clocks in at just over your average TV episode) Mirai is bedded by her Sensei, Matt, to some sensational porno-groove, or elevator music. Hard to tell, and it doesn’t matter anyway. The movie is sub-titled so you can watch it in silence if you want, while your Mum’s in the next room, if you know what I’m sayin’.
Anyhow, as Mirai reaches Teh Climaxing, she inadvertently gives Matt a taste of her special move, the Venus Crush which is as painful as it sounds, but not so bad when compared to the vagina dentata of Teeth. Same end result. Sensei Matt will presumably stick to merely molesting his students in future with some kind of barstool leg or foodstuff. Back at home, Mirai’s Dad makes her practice the Venus Crush on eggs and apples, which I’m not quite sure is proper parenting skills, but anyway. I’m guessing the resultant meal made from these ingredients was eaten in silence.
Sexy? possibly. Battle-y? not yet....
And now a blow-by-blow account of my experience of watching Sexy Battle Girls. All times are approximate. Why? I’m just an enigma.
11:00 – At her new school, Mirai is hit on by Yuka, a flaming lesbo who fell in love with her at first sight. Could this be the key to Mirai’s sexual woes, munching rug instead of mincing penis?
14:00 “ Susan (self-proclaimed head of the school) has been enticed into bedding the local nerdly truancy officer who saw her shoplifting. Cue: sex. And awful music.
15:15 “ HOW DOES HE DO THAT WITHOUT BREAKING HER PANTIES?
16:00 “The awful music has stopped. Why aren’t the men half as attractive as the moderately attractive chicks?
20:22 “ I could be playing Warhawk. Dad won’t reveal why they want revenge at all. Cue: flashback!
22:27 “ Sex scene III with Obligatory Moustachioed Guy and Random Sexy Girl. It remains to be seen if she’s in the range of Battle Girl, or is merely just sexy.
24:22 – Scratch that, she has a face like a dropped pie. Best tits so far though.
26:21 “ I was attracted to his huge package! okay, so the Dad’s pregnant ex-girlfriend fucked the dude who has become the headmaster of the school Mirai’s been sent to. Revenge motive explained, yay.
29:00 “ Halfway in and we’re at our first battle. So far the Sexy/Battle ratio is 3:1. Oh dear, now it’s 4:1, kind of. Mirai’s Battle Yo-Yo turns out to be a Battle Dildo Yo-Yo. Mirai now gets to enforce school law because she Battle Dildo Fucked the school bully into submission.
The Perve with his plastic bird. Why not?
34:00 “ What is that bird doing on the headmaster’s shoulder? The pervy truancy officer asks the headmaster’s permission to fuck Mirai. Strangely, this plot thread is left hanging.
34:30 “ Fourth sex scene, some bondage and rape, with penis and dildo, as we see the nefarious truth of the school “ they sell bad students to politicians as sex slaves.
36:00 “ More sexual slavery as dildo is used to torment Susan? Is it Susan? I hope so, otherwise it’s just random.
39:00 “ Why doesn’t she bite? Why does he have a rubber cock?! I’m reliably informed later that it’s a cultural thing.
41:00 “ An off-camera money-shot yields some unconvincing fake cum. And now he’s dead. Mirai lets Susan escape, and the headmaster beats Mirai. It’s time to unleash the Venus Crush, apparently.
48:00 “ Susan’s gonna help Mirai lay some Sexy Battle Girl smackdown on the headmaster. I wonder if his shoulder pigeon will help?
49:40 “ Get to the fuckin’ battle already! Yuka is now on the headmaster’s side. Well, she is his daughter I guess.
51:00 “ Another battle. That makes the ratio now 5:2. Nope, 6:2 as Special Dildo Fuck Attack renders Yuka immobile but extremely horny as she wanks herself into submission.
54:00 “ The final confrontation. Could this battle even out the ratio at 6:3? No. It’s 7:2 as Mirai gives the headmaster’s plastic cock a good talking to. And now she’s going to fuck him with her Venus Crush. The fake bird on his shoulder does shit all. How disappointing. Not many men can carry off a decorative avian, and he’s one of them.
58:00 “ Vengeance has been served. Now I can play fuckin’ Warhawk. Make sure you watch until the end of the credits.
Finally a battle! Now where did i leave that sexy?
The Shawshank Redemption was sexier, it’s nowhere near as battle-y as Rain Man, and as far as girls are concerned, well that’s accurate. There are girls in this movie, and you see their bits and everything. But the same can be said for Kathy Bates in About Schmidt, and I’m sure nobody wore out their rewind/pause buttons on that one.
Sexy Battle Girls wants to skirt a line. Perhaps it skirted a line in 1986, but the line has moved since the mid-eighties, culminating in Sharon Stone’s moot-airing in Basic Instinct, which has since been topped only by Kevin Bacon’s wang-bacon in Wild Things. With the proliferation of on-screen perversion and genitalia since then, Sexy Battle Girls is now a curio, much like your Dad’s fascination with Benny Hill. One generation’s whack-off material is the next generation’s Saturday morning cartoon, so look out for Sexy Battle Girls: The Animated Series coming (harrr) to a screen near you. Not.
COOL SHITE RATING: Meh.
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Trailer
Have you seen any sexy battle girls? Do you agree? is it Meh? or Muck? Let us know!
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Thank you for the good review!
Good review? I thought chris was pretty scathing, but hey, i will say that it was an enjoyable read! Thanks for sending us the films though! There are more to come! we still have sad cows to review and some other insanity! I just find the whole genre interesting!