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Crisis A-Bay-ted

Following up on a series of tips, a task force from the Los Angeles division of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, under the auspices of the Department of Homeland Security, conducted a pre-dawn raid of a secluded Hollywood Hills home on Monday. Upon entering the residence, agents discovered dozens of bags of fertilizer, 50 lbs. of C-4 explosive, several detonator caps and spools of wiring. Officers took into custody the sole occupant and owner of the house; director Michael Bay.

Neighbors had reported hearing repeated muffled explosions throughout the weekend. They had also observed several suspicious late night deliveries and strangers coming and going from the gated mansion. As a result of numerous phone calls all concerning the same address, ATF officials felt they had enough evidence and obtained a warrant to search the residence.

“When you’re involved in a raid situation like that and you find all that demolition equipment, the adrenaline goes through the roof,” said ATF sergeant Roscoe Jenkins, “But then we saw who we’d arrested and it was like, ‘Wow! You’re the dude that made Pearl Harbor!’”

Several calls to Bay’s agent, manager and an unnamed studio head confirmed that the munitions found at the location were not for criminal purposes. They were there, in fact, for Bay’s personal use.

“The laws on Personal Use are quite clear in the state of California” a spokesperson for the task force responded. “What we found in Bay’s backyard was an amount that would normally lead us to assume that he was dealing, or possibly even running a small explosives cartel or black market studio! It was only when we saw it was Mr. Transformers himself that we understood what was going on.”

“I was just trying out some things in the yard that I want to do in my next film,” Bay said. He claimed that he and friends had been experimenting with test explosions for his upcoming remake of the cult classic “Driving Miss Daisy” but importantly he “did not inhale.”

All charges have been dropped against Bay and it seems that there are no hard feelings on either side. Bay was released after only an hour but returned to ATF headquarters to hand deliver autographed DVDs of “The Island” for the agents.

“Are you kidding? I love these guys! Army, Navy, ATF, Boy Scouts, hell even Girl Scouts! – they’re all out there protecting us and serving us every day. They give me the freedom to create art! I’m even considering putting these dudes in Transformers 2! I mean, the script is not totally locked down yet and they seem awful keen on getting blown up!”

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is in production now and opens in summer 2009.

Credits

• Written By: Scott From LA
• Contributers: David Quinn
• Artwork: Verizon Commerical

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